CAMELOT Theatrical Special Effects

As a special effects designer I've always been fascinated by UFOs. Last week's UFO sighting in Texas brought all of the ufology experts out in minivans from all over the country to finally get to the bottom of these scientific phenomena that have amazed, terrified and baffled mankind since, well, since mankind started putting things up into the air that have amazed, terrified and baffled everyone except the guy who put the thing up there. These are obviously visitors from other worlds and we (mankind) need your help to unravel the mystery.

I have carefully researched the methodology of UFO investigation one afternoon so allow me to give you a few pointers to hone your investigatory skills.

1. Photos are important proof. Nothing dispels disbelief better than a photograph because, as you may have heard, the camera never lies. Always carry a camera with you in your car or in your pocket so that you will be ready because you never know when or where a UFO will appear. For safety's sake, don't carry an expensive camera like a Nikon or something around in your car because that's just an invitation to junkies and car thieves to break your window and steal it while you're at the mall. You can buy a disposable box camera (in an actual cardboard box) at any convenience store for under three dollars. This optical wonder with its wavy plastic lens and electronic flash (very important when photographing things very far away) will provide the solid scientific evidence that we need. When you see a UFO or anything "funny" in the sky, start snapping. Don't forget to use the flash because these UFOs move really fast.

If you're lucky enough to have a movie camera with you, make sure you hand-hold it so that you can change position and track the fast-moving UFO. Never mind that your hands will be shaking: that's added proof that you were witnessing something pretty scary. Oh, and make sure the sound is on so that we can hear the important witness commentary: "What is it?" "It's Close Encounters From The Third Kind!" "Wow!" "Yeah!" "Damn, look at that!" "Yeah!" These comments will allow investigators to determine the psychological effect of the sighting and the alcohol level of the witnesses' bloodstreams.

2. Remember to utilize the principles of forensic photography. You know how those CSI guys always lay a ruler or something next to the dead body or the knife before they shoot the picture? Well, since UFOs are usually in the sky, use something in the foreground like a sign, a building, your girlfriend or a tree to give an accurate sense of scale for the investigators to determine the size of the thing. A tree is perfect, for that matter, regardless of whether the UFO is right there in the tree or ten miles away and it also proves that the photograph wasn't faked since, if no one believes you, you can take them back to the site and show them the tree.

3. Witness interrogation. If you need to travel to reach the site of the incident, make sure that you get there within the same month or the next to insure that witness memories are fresh. Don't waste time interviewing police officers, pilots, doctors or other professionals with known biases against such phenomena. Always choose people whose observations and judgement are unclouded by too much education or bad experiences with past instances. Find local residents with names like "Jim-Bob" or nicknames like "Goober" or "Beebo" as these will be your most reliable information sources.

Ask leading questions to avoid the witness's tendency to wander or embellish. For example:
Q: "How big would you say it was? The size of a football field or was it bigger?"
A: "About a mile long."
Q: "Did it have flashing lights or were they colored lights?"
A: "You bet!"
Q: "How fast was it moving? Faster than a bird or a plane?"
A: "About a thousand miles an hour."

Notice how the answers have a degree of accuracy to them that UFO professionals call "real accurate." These measurements provide a rich database regarding the characteristics of these menaces from another planet.

4. Landing sites. Omigod! The thing actually touched the ground! Now you want to carefully examine the area of the landing. This requires sensitive scientific equipment that only a professional UFO investigator will have in the trunk of his car, including: a geiger counter to see how radioactive everything is, an ultraviolet light to see if stuff glows at night and maybe some plaster to take copies of strange footprints or animal-looking tracks that the ominous aliens may have left behind. There might also be interstellar or extraterrestrial machinery or equipment left behind when they were scared away, often covered with indecipherable markings that usually can be translated in a top-secret laboratory somewhere where they translate things.

5. Abductions. Ask if anyone is missing from the area or has suddenly returned without remembering where they have been. Careful hypnosis by a professional hypnotizer will usually bring back clear and accurate memories of the horrible faces, excruciating probing or medical procedures and complex mathematical formulas and space secrets that may have been given to that person before their release. Have them write or draw these clearly using the pen or pencil that you carry in your investigator kit. Paper is good too.

I hope that these tips help you to help mankind in our search for truth and science and maybe save our planet from destruction. Happy hunting!

posted by C. J. # 1:10 PM