CAMELOT Theatrical Special Effects

Back in April, 2004, I wrote a post called: "If You're Going to Shoot Somebody...BLAM!" in which I stated:

...he pulls out a starter pistol that he borrowed from the track coach. It's a tiny toy with a gray cylinder and that stupid red plastic thing at the tip of the barrel that screams FAKE...

Natch, this raised some fears from the folks that still worry about those Do Not Remove... tags on their mattresses when they're not busy arguing with their oatmeal. I mean, they look unsightly but gosh, the Federal Government put them there and they must have some reason and I sure don't want to go to jail because look what happened to Martha Stewart etc. etc.

Yes, there's a Federal Regulation that says that manufacturers and importers of replica guns must mark the barrel tip with blaze orange paint. There's a reason for this, we're told: It's so that law enforcement officers can clearly see that you're waving a toy gun around instead of a real gun and that way they won't shoot you. That makes perfect sense. No? Oh, I get it; you think that the next time you rob a bank, you'll just dip the snout of your betsy in some orange paint first so that nobody suspects it's a real gun, don't you? Well, what happens when the tellers just laugh at you and don't give you the money, huh, wise guy? You didn't think about that, did you? But, of course, the cops will just have a big chuckle when you come out of the bank and they'll let you go, right? Yeah, what a silly regulation.

But gee, those orange-tipped guns just look so dumb on stage and they ruin the entire show! Well, that's what they thought in Hollywood too, so the State of California wrote its own law, full of grammatical errors (maybe Arnold proofread it), which says:

12553.Any person who changes, alters, removes, or obliterates any coloration or markings that are required for by any applicable state or federal law or regulation, for any imitation firearm, or device described in subdivision (c) of Section 12555, in any way that makes the imitation firearm or device look more like a firearm is guilty of a misdemeanor. This subdivision shall not apply to manufacturer, importer, or distributor of imitation firearms or to the lawful use in theatrical productions, including motion pictures, television, and stage productions.

Ha! So there. What does Uncle Sam have to say about that? Well, as I read the law (I use a strobe light) it says:

Sec. 1150.4 Waiver.

The prohibitions set forth in Sec. 1150.2 of this part may be
waived for any toy, look-alike or imitation firearm that will be used
only in the theatrical, movie or television industries. A request for
such a waiver should be made, in writing, to the Chief Counsel for
Technology, United States Department of Commerce, Washington, DC 20230.
The request must include a sworn affidavit which states that the toy,
look-alike, or imitation firearm will be used only in the theatrical,
movie or television industry. A sample of the item must be included with
the request.

[57 FR 48454, Oct. 26, 1992]

Now, that law applies to manufacturers and importers. You can tell because the Chief Counsel for Technology, a guy by the name of Mark F. Bohannon (I Googled myself blind wandering through the hundreds of names in the Department of Commerce while wondering what all these people actually do), wants a sample of the firearm. I don't have a frigging sample: I've got one bogus roscoe which I've modified the shiznit out of and that's my stage gun and Mark can have it when he pries it from my actor's cold, dead fingers. But I have removed the stupid orange paint from the barrel tip before I installed the red LED inside the barrel and replaced the clip with a battery pack and yeah, it really looks real!

How about all the laws? Well, the theatre is posted outside: "We Prohibit Fireams On These Premises." Okay, it's not a firearm: it's a prop. How about that off-duty cop in the audience who gets excited in the middle of Act II? Well, he'd better not be heeled or he didn't read the sign. Maybe he also missed the sign in the lobby that said: "Warning: Simulated gunshots will be fired in Act II." But what if we all get arrested? Well, the law says "used in the theatrical industry." I'll let my lawyer worry about that one when it goes to court.

As for me, I've gotta go rip some tags off my mattress now.

posted by C. J. # 1:43 PM