CAMELOT Theatrical Special Effects

Some people can't tell a joke. You know some of them. They screw it up by giving away the punchline first. For instance, they'll say: "Did you know that God is a bad golfer?" And you say "No" and they say: "If you're out on the golf course in a lightning storm, just hold up a 3-iron because even God can't hit a 3-iron!" Then they fall on the floor and soil their shorts. I hate those guys.

So here come the big, summer blockbusters and here comes George Lucas strolling casually down the street with the sixth and last episode of Star Wars sticking out of his pocket, looking all innocent as if we haven't been standing, waiting on the corner for 28 years wondering where the hell he was. The sixth episode is called Revenge of the Sith except it's actually the third episode and I guess George is dyslexic because he spelled Shit wrong. You've probably seen the trailers and all the ads trying to get you to rip your pants grabbing for your wallet and go on, admit it: you can't wait to see this thing, can you?

Here's my question: Why? Seriously. I mean, forget the fact that you already know the punchline unless you're 12 years old and you missed the first three (actually the last three but let's not even get into that.) Also forget the fact that the video for the last one, Attack of the Clones, started with a preview in which C3PO tells you the entire story: "...and then Luke Skywalker found out that Leia was really his twin sister and the teddy bears danced." There, I ruined it for you. Wait, no I didn't! George Lucas did back in 1983! So what's the deal now? Is there, like, some big surprise waiting for us? Oh, I'll bet you want to know why cute "Annie" Skywalker turned into nasty Darth Vader, right? Is that your question? Here's my question: Why?

See, we all know Annie is cute from the first movie. Jake Lloyd must have been cast for cuteness because he couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag. Then in the second movie, which was a buddy cop film in which Hayden Christensen played Mel Gibson and Ewan McGregor played Danny Glover, we found out that he was even cuter and still couldn't act. So now what? Well, he gets messed up really badly and has to wear a C-PAP machine all day (looks like Bob Dylan playing the harmonica) with a plastic mask so that he can be voiced by James Earl Jones who actually can act. That's about it. Then he turns back into a really nice old guy who accidentally destroyed everything in the galaxy but it wasn't really his fault. He wasn't mean after all, merely misunderstood, and then he dies but his ghost comes back smiling a sad little smile. And then the frigging teddy bears dance. In a way, I'm glad it ends in the middle. If I had sat through all 15 hours of Star Wars only to be left with the sad old man and the dancing teddy bears, I would be so pissed that I would demand not only my money but my time back!

Am I going to be first in line to see this mess? You bet! The special effects look really expensive even if they are computer-generated but I doubt that I'll give a damn for the characters. When I was asked for my opinion of Episode I, I said: "Too much Jar-Jar Binks; not enough Darth Maul." I already have an opinion of Episode III: "Too much Annie Vader; not enough Bettie Droid."

Who's this "Bettie Droid?" According to the pre-production sketches, she tops off the Uncanny Valley robots below: Really, Really, REALLY Cute! Large buttered popcorn and a Mr. Pibb, please.

posted by C. J. # 9:48 PM