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Special questions for superheroes
With all the superhero movies coming out again (and again and again and again), each one promising something that we really need to know, that could never be told before, that promises the true story behind whoever-the-hell-man (because all of the previous movies were lies?) I have composed a final list of questions that, if they're finally answered this time around, will eliminate any need to ever, ever re-make these same movies everytime Hollywood runs out of ideas and needs to re-milk a dead cow. Yeah, that's gonna happen! Hey, Batman! Where did you get all those cool toys without anyone becoming suspicious that Bruce Wayne was up to something weird? Did you build them yourself? Did Alfred build them? Where did you guys learn how to do that? Where did you get the materials for bulletproof cars, wires that don't break, flameproof suits, rocket engines and all of those fancy computers? I know you're wealthy, but did you just walk into Acme Defense Systems and say "I'd like a small nuclear reactor and a dozen pocket-sized antiaircraft missles? Just deliver them to Wayne Manor? No, I'm not up to anything... they're for a party?" I'd better see you with a damned acetylene torch in your hand in this next movie looking like Jesse James with a machine shop that rivals West Coast Choppers or I'm going to be really pissed. Hey, Spiderman! You swing around the city every night looking for trouble and leaving miles and miles of that sticky web shit everywhere! Who cleans it up? How come people aren't swearing at you as they walk down the street looking like they just fell into a cotton-candy machine? How do you make all that stuff, anyway? Do you stop every block to drink a gallon of Mrs. Butterworth's? Hey, Superman! If pieces of Kryptonite make you so sick, how come you didn't die back on Krypton where the entire planet is made out of the stuff? Huh? Huh? Why is that? I seriously expect answers to all these questions in the upcoming remash of all these movies. Sure, I do. I also expect peace on earth, cooked vegetables that taste good and a cure for cancer by next Tuesday. Get a move on.
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