CAMELOT Theatrical Special Effects

Thank goodness the Academy Awards have been academically awarded and Hollywood can now release the reservoir of blockbusters they've been holding back. Zip down to your local movie house and grab some popcorn because here they come!

1. Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience. If you thought these teenaged heartthrobs were spectacular on Hannah Montana, wait until you see them through red and blue plastic glasses. You'll blow Mr. Pibb out of your nose when Kevin, Joe and Nick lay down their hot evangelical gut-wrenchers. Even God barfs his Raisinettes when these guys hit the screen.

2. Crossing Over. Can't get enough of Sean Penn? Loved Indiana Jones? Here's Sean and Harrison in what Variety calls "An overweeningly deterministic mosaic of U.S. immigration case studies." Does that tighten your sphincter? Wait until you see these typically sensitive INS officers choking down tamales and getting all weepy as they try to understand why so many Mexicans leave hellholes like Acapulco and move to the paradise of urban L.A. Ay carumba!

3. An American Affair. It's 1963. Thirteen-year-old Adam Stafford spies a beautiful naked woman in the house across the street and his curiosity is inflamed. If that isn't strange, she and Adam soon find themselves enmeshed in the growing confusion and intrigue leading to the assassination of President Kennedy. Wow, teenaged angst AND conspiraracy theory all lumped together in one movie! Be sure to miss it.

4. Echelon Conspiracy. Shane West comes upon a magic cellphone that makes his wildest dreams come true but who could ever guess that this Blackberry has a black heart? The minutes will roll over too slowly as you lose your bars. Bet you can't hear me now!

5. Garrison Keillor: The Man on the Radio in the Red Shoes. First of all, how did the radio get those shoes? If your radio doesn't get A Prairie Home Companion and you missed the last movie, you can follow Garry the K on the road for a year in this gripping documentary. Your woe will be gone and you'll blow your biscuits as you watch people in front of microphones pretend they're not making another movie. Lindsay Lohan was unavailable for comment.

6. Lesbian Vampire Killers.Just when you thought it was safe for two teenaged slackers to take a walk on the moors, Jimmy and Fletch find themselves stuck in a remote cottage with a camper-van full of sexy foreign student girls, besieged by a hungry army of lascivious lesbian vampires. Man, they had me at "moors." Derring-don't.

7. Wolverine. Hugh Jackman reprises the role that made him a superstar – as the fierce fighting machine who possesses amazing healing powers, retractable claws and a primal fury. But when he suddenly dons a tophat and cane and breaks into a Broadway song-and-dance routine, the villains run for cover. This guy is scary!

8. Terminator Salvation. Finally, Ah-nold has become bored with Sacramento and... wait a minute... it's Christian Bale as John Connor! But... isn't he Batman? It doesn't matter. Watch him scare the crap out of the poor stagehand walking across the set right in the middle of the most poignant piece of script-reading ever filmed. Better get some extra napkins with that Big Bucket.

9. Inglourious Basterds. Lieutenant Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) organizes a group of Jewish soldiers to engage in targeted acts of retribution.(Didn't Daniel Craig just do this? Or was it Tom Cruise?) Known to their enemy as "The Basterds," Raine's squad joins German actress and undercover agent Bridget Von Hammersmark (Diane Kruger) on a mission to take down the leaders of The Third Reich. Lily Von Schtup must show up somewhere. No wonder those poor Nazis never got their act off the ground. Mmmmm... Brad Pitt.

10. Anything with Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, Owen Wilson or Jack Black. Come on, you know that ten-dollar bill is burning a hole in your pocket and you love it when your shoes stick to the floor! Get going!

posted by C. J. # 3:19 PM